AngelaJossy's Blog

Jun. 12, 2009 at 12:21pm

My identity crisis

I think I am having an identity crisis. I told my roommate Desiree this and she yelled my name. I answered, ďWhat?Ē and then she said, ďNo, youíre OK.Ē Then we laughed.

I usually have no fear of change.  If I can visualize a new life then I can power forward into it with mucho gusto. Right now I feel like Iím inching forward with a blindfold on. I was really excited about moving into a building with my friends and then we stalled along the way to that goal and Iíve lost my vision. During this limbo phase I realized how I feel safe here in my house the color of sky with its tall tree guardians and its nightly blanket of stars. Iíll miss the family of raccoons, the grey bunnies who appear and disappear in a blink and even the field of grass that Iíve completely failed to keep up with mowing. Iíll miss how quiet it is here at night.  When I moved into this house I thought this was my forever home. I actually considered buying it but the owner had a sentimental attachment. I imagined that one day Iíd meet a guy and heíd see what great homestead we have going here and heíd fall even more in love with me, move in and live happily ever after here. This was my happily ever after home. I also loved that this house has the perfect space for band practice and now I feel a sense of failure because I never used it myself. Other bands practiced here but never mine. I never got around to putting one together like I planned. So there are a few plans that die once I leave this place but thatís OK because Iím ready for new plans. At least I think I am.

I just need to clarify what I want and stop wasting energy on things that are irrelevant. The problem is I want too many things and I need to distinguish hobby from profession. What I want right now is to learn new things. Ergo, I want to learn how to make purses and ottomans. I want to learn how to weld so I can make sculptures out of discarded car parts. I want to write and record an electro-pop dance album. I want to produce a local TV show on the GoLocal ondemand channel. I want to paint big horses, unicorns and Pegasusís on large canvases. I want to get skinny. I want to go on tour in Europe. I want to throw parties (both big and small ones) and deepen my friendships with all my favorite people. These feel like hobbies. For work Iíd like to write, design and publish a magazine but I donít see that happening. Iíd like to write a book about Tacomaís music history but Iím not sure how that could make money for me right now. I enjoy designing graphics. I enjoy producing shows. I enjoy singing. I even enjoy writing sometimes as long as Iím writing about something that interests me. I really enjoy planning festivals but this year that hasnít worked out very well since festivals take money and no one seems to have any. Iím still unclear about exactly what I want.

I think I want one or two projects at a time and clear expectations. I want time to explore, create and learn. I want to conquer my shortcomings and become a healthier and more disciplined person. I want to feel safe and loved.

I also want all my creature comforts: television, internet, hot water, transportation, cell phone, washer/drier, dishwasher and etc.

What I donít want is rent and living expenses so high that I have to frazzle myself in order to make enough money to pay for it. I feel like Iím letting everybody down because I canít devote enough time to each project. Iím 70 miles per hour on a conveyor belt and everyone else is a blur in my rear view mirror right now and I hate it.  

Moving seems inevitable now even though itís going to be difficult and perhaps expensive.  I just wish I could know where we are moving so I can get excited about it and get my vision back. I think the location will have a lot to do with how I move forward professionally. I donít know that for sure, its just a feeling I get.

Right now, Iím not sure if I know anything for sure.   

comments [4]  |  posted under , home, moving, recession, Tacoma, work

Comments

by JesseHillFan on 6/13/2009 @ 1:08pm
It's a shame that you couldn't buy the house you desire but that's life..
Once you do eventually own a house and finish paying it off it's pretty much smooth sailing (I just made my last house payment this month).
I had to really crimp my spending to pay off the house,and over the past 15 years it will need some repair and remodeling which I couldn't do a lot of during that time (although I did have a new roofing job 4 years ago).Some day you will get there Angela.
You can't expect to achieve most of your goals in life while you're still young although some lucky few do that and more.

by Twisty on 6/13/2009 @ 5:06pm
When a door closes, a window opens. I've started over enough times to know the truth of this. Embrace it.

by Girl Who <3 JUNK on 6/14/2009 @ 9:22am
Angie, you have lots in your head. I know the feeling.

But, I had to pretty much just think of accomplishing three at a time. It took me almost 3 1/2 years just doing the three. It was hard to not do ALL the things I wanted to do. But, slowly I'm getting there.

It felt really good letting some of the things go. Actually, it felt really really good.

I stopped stressing, I stopped feeling like I was a failure, I didn't let myself down or others, etc....

What two things are in your heart that you really really want to do. For YOU, not others?

Write them down and work on only those two things. Maybe three, if not too big of ideas.

I hope this helps you.

BTW I soooo want to get skinny too. I'm going to start walking the Chamber Bay on Tuesdays and Fridays and other days when I can get a babysitter. Let me know if you want to join me.

First, I have to tell you I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of shape and I might have a heart attack going up the hill at Chambers. I hope you know CPR. He! He!

I heard it was a killer.

I know it will get better. : )

by AngelaJossy on 6/14/2009 @ 9:39pm
You're so right. That's pretty much exactly the conclusion I came to too. Now I just have to clarify those 2-3 things ... I'm working on it. My head is starting to clear now and I'm very nearly there.

I would love to go walking with you at Chambers! Let's do it!

Dez says she wants to come too.