May. 4, 2008 at 2:46am

Movie Preview Review

I - and about a quarter of the Tacoma blogosphere - went and saw Iron Man on Saturday night. The early verdict? Completely awesome, with a full review to come. First we take a look at the previews, since that's half the fun of the movies, isn't it?

 The Happening: Someone needs to tell M. Night Shyamalan to stop. Since the masterful The Sixth Sense his movies have each been about as half as good at the previous. Judging by the preview, this might not even be that good. Edging perilously close to self-parody, this looks to be a portentous, pretentious mess. Mark Wahlberg sports the same open-mouthed slightly-stunned, slightly-stupid expression, the adorable Zooey Deschenal looks completely out of place and the laughable voiceover practically promises yet another twist! Mark this movie Avoid So Much You Pretend It Doesn't Exist.

 Speed Racer: I would like to point out that the Wachowskis haven't directed an actual good movie since the original Matrix, and that was nearly a decade ago. This looks like it might be a moderate return to form. Adapting the beloved and seriously goofy mid-60's anime, Speed Racer sports a great cast - Christina Ricci looks like she was born to play Trixie - and a stunning, candy-coated look. It might not be for everyone though, as my wife put it, the action scenes are so over-the-top it looks like "epilepsy on film." This trailer is not quite Must See, but scores a solid See Because You're A Geek and Sort Of Have To.

 The Love Guru: Viewing this trailer made me think of two things. The first is that this Mike Myers vehicle might have made a very funny SNL skit, and secondly that this film looks dated right out of the box. It sure seems that much of this forced and unfunny comedy could be a new Austin Powers movie, but Myers got bored with the goofy English accent and decided to try a goofy Indian one instead. Add the gorgeous but decidedly stiff Jessica Alba as a love interest, and this movie screams For Mike Myers Groupies Only.

 You Don't Mess With Zohan: You know, every so often (say Punch Drunk Love or the lousy but earnest Reign Over Me), Adam Sandler shows he has actual, tangible talent. Then he goes and makes crap like I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and this steaming shitpile. Sandler, sporting a terrible accent and bad facial hair - Ooooh, edgy! - plays an Israeli secret agent who goes to America to become a hairdresser. Add the consistently awful Rob Schneider as a Palestinian cabbie and some unfunny Boratisms, and you have another Avoid So Much You Pretend It Doesn't Exist.

 The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian: I must preface this by saying I never, ever read any of the Narnia books as a kid. I made it about 10 pages into The Silver Chair, gave up to go on playing with my Transformers and never made it back. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe was okay in a not quite good enough to be LOTR kinda way, and this looks much the same. This movie gets a Meh.

The Dark Knight: I was slightly disappointed in this. There was only about 17 "FUCK THAT LOOKS COOL" moments. This is a Must See, Leave The Kids To Fend For Themselves.

 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The buzz on this has been a bit shaky, and the trailer confirms that. The Good: Harrison Ford with hat, whip and one-liners intact, the return of Marian Ravenwood, Cate Blanchett hamming it up. The Bad: No Sean Connery, too much Shia LeBeauf, and the unshakable sense that there might not be any reason for this movie. Still, this rates a Must See, Because Indiana Jones is Always Cool.

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