Aug. 21, 2008 at 5:42pm

RR's Tacoma Files: Meet Matt Driscoll

Like Daniel Blue's Volcano Tacoma Files only without Hipsters

PHOTO: Matt Driscoll JOURNALIST, (Like Daniel Blue's Volcano Tacoma Files only without Hipsters)

MEET MATT DRISCOLL He's a guy just like you or me, only he has done something with his life. Matt is a reporter for the weekly volcano. He writes things about noise. Young people would call it 'music' but since most of the bands he writes about are 'un-listenable' to older people like myself I cannot describe as such.   Little is known about Matt.  I had the opportunity to meet him once but things just didn't work out [We're winging the rest of this article].

Early Childhood 

 
The Driscolls lived a hardscrabble life out in the great plains.  The son of a sod house cobbler, Little Matt grew up with a fond, if not profound respect for a wide scope of sod assemblages.   But tragically in a sod saturated market and over speculation by stock market sod manipulators... the demand for sod hit bottom (so to speak).   The Driscolls jumped a box car and ending up in the terminus of the great northern pacific rail way: the city of destiny.

A Day in the Life at the Tacoma Reporter

Using what little capital the family managed to save up in crossing, Matt Driscoll Senior purchased the then defunct agricultural news paper: "The Tacoma Mercantile Farm Reporter"  The family added new features to the newspaper including weekly "news tribune attack ads", composting tips and shortened the name to THE TACOMA REPORTER 

Inferno of Tears

Tragically in '79 a heap of potatoes awaiting review in the feature BEST POTATO OF TACOMA caught fire in a freak spudtanious combustion packing crate industrial accident which quickly spread threw the main newsroom and offices of the Tacoma Reporter.  The hearty YUKON GOLD's burned for days and could only be snuffed out after 'heroic acts' on part of the Tacoma Fire Department.

The impending potato farmer class action lawsuit left the family enterprise in flaming ruin. 

French Foreign Legion

the young Matt Driscoll Jr. having lost everything is believed to have spent the next 10 years or so overseas in the French Foreign Legion.  Nobody knows for sure.  Sooner or later he did return to Tacoma and get hired on through chairty of the Swarner & Sons paper: "The Fort Lewis Submariner"...  but that is another story.

Current Whereabouts: Unknown  

Some say Matt Driscoll settled down, started a family.  drives a luxurious automobile.  Lives like Kolchak: The Night Stalker and everything.   Some say you can hear his existential screams on the wind on a cloudless night down on the tide flats.    But who knows if there really even is a "Matt Driscoll" ?  HUMBUG!  All legends I say.  Urban myth.    There isn't a Matt Driscoll anymore than there is a Natasha Gorbachev or Easter Bunney. 

Heck, all I know is: the great prince issues commands, founds states, vests families with fiefs. Inferior people should not be employed.
 
God Bless America